How many times have you come up to a cross roads,
a point where you know that a singular choice would forever change the circumstances,
the relationships, the very life that you have come to know and that no matter how intensely and diligently you struggle to return to the first point where the choice existed,
that other option -it is gone.
It is a one time only, limited offer
and if you let it go you will never be able to have it - can never have it.
By choosing you are in effect saying no forever to the other option
This realization freezes some in their paths
- unable to make that critical decision for fear that it is the wrong one.
The one that will no doubt be worse.
Yet that is not the ultimate chasm to cross.
It is the constant wondering if the other choice would have been better
and you are kept up nights wondering, wishing, coveting the opportunity
that in the depths of the imagination become vastly superior, life affirming.
What you always wanted.
The proverbial “one that got away”.
I have lost so many a nights sleep filled with dread and anxiety.
I would worry that I not only ruined my life by making a choice,
but ruined my future possibilities by letting the other go.
Then it is the thought that runs my blood cold, the voice that haunts and hounds
- “You did not deserve it anyways”
and so in this complete self hatred, I come to accept the “fate” that I have made.
Both my fault, and my curse
- neither I can escape from and am destined to repeat again and again.
I have been broken by this
- left unhinged and dangling by the last remnant of sanity.
I have set fire to bridges that I am half way across
leaving no way out
but either into the flames
or over the edge
into the turbulent rapids below.
It is my normal,
I am familiar with this as I am my own skin
and as equally uncomfortable in either.
#100daysforLionel
Painful
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