The Wabi-Sabi Writer

For weeks I scrolled

through the photos on my phone

for images of you

I would post these 

on my instagram 

page

story

reels

on repeat

for fear if I didn't

somehow it would all

disappear

Lionel love forever

I would listen to your meows

in the videos 

I now happily hoard

relish every howling octave 

that echo in the place where you had been

I hold a heart shaped weighted pillow

and envision you

trotting out from the Esalen forest 

my compassionate friend

offering wisdom

comfort

and

grace.

I did not want to write poetry

for nothing I would say

would bring you back to me

you are my Sir Lionel Words worth

without you

words

have

no

worth

But still

for you

I persist

for you

I am opening

 as Comfort

finds me

slips in

all sleek and onyx 

and 

I find the Grace

of soft silver

linings

in simple things

I will never run out of words for you

always have poems

to pounce

on

and pages

to hold

all the love

ten plus infinity

 lifetimes

worth

Lionel - love of my life.  

#100daysforLionel   

That’s the thing about illicit affairs

And clandestine meetings and longing stares

 Your touch

cold like snow

brought forth an incandescent glow

So Call me Machiavellian 

as if

 I care

Did you hear my covert narcissism

I disguise as altruism

Like some kind of congressman

 who charmed my dad with self-effacing jokes

an albatross in the poles

Bet I could still melt your world 

this argumentative, antithetical girl

Take the words for what they are

nothing but

 the dwindling, mercurial high

it is romantic how all my elegies

 eulogize me?

still 

like  an old cardigan

under someone’s bed

crumpled

and

forgotten

until you pulled me

over you

on you

forever

your favorite

#100daysforLionel   

Flip the tower like a vessel for a childhood treat, its head, the bounty buried below

Lost, I fall.  Once more, into my feminine ways.

A heathen Empress of inconvenience and The Star above all

NaPoWriMo  Day 28

#100daysforLionel   

*Sijo - The sijo (Korean 시조, pronounced SHEE-jo) is a traditional three-line Korean poetic form typically exploring cosmological, metaphysical, or pastoral themes

28 down

2 to go

not a 50 yard dash

nor an ultra-ironman

but an endeavor 

to trust that by doing something

anything

will the flood gates

to open

and inspiration

to rush in

I wonder 

when

if not now

when

I ask

and 

the echo

from

the edge

returns my own 

garbled voice

if not now

when

#100daysforLionel   

How many times have you come up to a cross roads,

 a point where you know that a singular choice would forever change the circumstances,

 the relationships, the very life that you have come to know and that no matter how intensely and diligently you struggle to return to the first point where the choice existed, 

that other option -it is gone.

 It is a one time only, limited offer

 and if you let it go you will never be able to have it - can never have it. 

By choosing you are in effect saying no forever to the other option

This realization freezes some in their paths 

- unable to make that critical decision for fear that it is the wrong one. 

The one that will no doubt be worse.

 Yet that is not the ultimate chasm to cross.

 It is the constant wondering if the other choice would have been better

 and you are kept up nights wondering, wishing, coveting the opportunity

 that in the depths of the imagination become vastly superior, life affirming.

 What you always wanted. 

The proverbial “one that got away”. 

I have lost so many a nights sleep filled with dread and anxiety.

 I would worry that I not only ruined my life by making a choice, 

but ruined my future possibilities by letting the other go. 

Then it is the thought that runs my blood cold, the voice that haunts and hounds 

- “You did not deserve it anyways”

 and so in this complete self hatred, I come to accept the “fate” that I have made.

 Both my fault, and my curse 

- neither I can escape from and am destined to repeat again and again. 

I have been broken by this

 - left unhinged and dangling by the last remnant of sanity. 

I have set fire to bridges that I am half way across

 leaving no way out

 but either into the flames

 or over the edge 

into the turbulent rapids below.

 It is my normal,

 I am familiar with this as I am my own skin

 and as equally uncomfortable in either.

#100daysforLionel   

I lock my door

upon myself

And so I sit

facing my one constant

and share confidences

like chocolates

on our late night call

our salon

she asks

what is your favorite virtue

I smirk

certainly not patience, most definitely cunning

she asks

what qualities do you desire in a man

I smirk

what do I truly desire....if you know, you know.

Compassion, intelligence, humor, kindness

she asks

what qualities do you favor in a woman

I blink

strength, compassion, intelligence and creativity

she asks

Your idea of happiness?

I pause

time and space to create, to share this experience.  And to know love

she asks

And misery?

I sigh

to have none of that but remember when I did

she asks

where would you like to live

I again smirk

you have to ask..... 

she sits

silent for a moment

smiling

I am smiling too

This time

this space

be it a back veranda

a back table at Pergolisi

or a FaceTime

across the ether

Our Salon

is 

where we want to be

#100daysforLionel   

blanketing the yawning hallway

in shadow 

as clouds dance across the glass

before the impatient night

blinds those left 

behind

wandering

feasting on filtered fantasies

found strewn on the floor

if they could only see what delicacies

they stuffed in their gaping mouths

before greedily grabbing for more

Would they savor

or spit out

the shit

they were served

#100daysforLionel   

Harvested from my fellow traveller - The Lackadaisical Poet and her work 

"The Mall at Sunset"

4/17/2011

She seeks

and finds

ancient artifacts

in the sands 

of distant lands

I sought

safety

and

solace

in Saturday mornings

by the pond

and a goddess

on the TV Set

She summons

the power

placing

the

gold

glinting in the sun

uttering words

Almighty

Isis

saving the day

I scurried

outside

placing

the

brass

pounded promise

to the sky

uttering words

Almighty

Isis

 saving nothing

could save

nothing

so I watched

my grandmother grasping

your trembling hand

begging and praying

until

the shaking

stopped

#100daysforLionel   

I am grateful for the kindness of sunshine 

I am grateful for my morning pages - their wisdom and guidance even though I was unaware the effect reading them a week later would have

I am grateful for this moment, with the late sun shining on my face and my pages - illuminating me

6/25/2012

I am grateful for the task at hand, the one that pulls me kicking and screaming where I really want to go

I am grateful for words that surround me, that inspire and remind me

of who I am, who I want to be

that push me and hold me close

keep me safe

bring me home

I am grateful for the cold breeze as I write my first 2200 words, keeping the focus, all crisp and inviting

6/28/2021

I am grateful for my two cats who keep me company.  They make the otherwise lonely hours kinder and in my focused time - break me out of the trance to come up for air, giving me a fresher, better perspective

3/14/2013

I am grateful for sunny gentle mornings when I can lay on my bed, sip a cup of tea, read magazines while my kitties lay beside me

I am grateful for Sophie's dove coo-ing and loving glances as she rolls over to offer me the sacred tummy

I am grateful for Lionel who keeps me constant company at the morning table, the morning pages a play ground for us both

4/30/2024

I am grateful for this faded orange journal

for its near forgotten words that welcome me

without hesitation back to the gentle embrace of gratitude

for reminding me of all the love

I am grateful for this dented and stained orange journal

that smells of cellar

and 

hope chest

all at once

NaPoWriMo  Day 22

#100daysforLionel   

I am helpless

to the necromancy

of light

I am 

but

a being

of shade and depth

shadow and edge

darkness

pitch

I see no difference

between the color of life forces

scarlet sanguine 

or verdant viridescence

I see 

only 

the 

ebony

the 

pitch

the

raven wing

dragon glass

onyx shine

event horizon

obsidian oblivion

and

above

as 

so

below

all

my

blacks

#100daysforLionel   

Come

closer

as

Daylight fades

it is time

for

 hanami 

see the fleetingness

of beauty

in a world of crisis

Quick

see

Sakura glow

under the soft light

of lanterns

lining

a leisurely life

Mikkaminumanosakura

 vibrant 

illuminating

and all too brief

like cherry blossoms

full bloom

to falling

to the ground

NaPoWriMo  Day 20

#100daysforLionel   

*Yozakura - illuminated flowers, which give off an ethereal glow

*Hanami - Japanese traditional custom of enjoying the transient beauty of flowers

*Sakura - cherry blossoms

*Mikkaminumanosakura - word meaning change that happens very suddenly and intensly

I am a horror show

of the wanton ways

of my youth

a youth

I so still cling to

like the once sherbert colored blanket

now but a tattered remnant 

But how I hold on to it

for dear life

it is mine

all 

mine

yet

I 

know

it is long since dead

no longer struggling 

in my maw

no longer squirming

in my grasp

the veins

like blue ropes

wrap around

my arms

not to bind me to the bedpost

oh no

those days are but a shadow

 an augury 

to all 

around me

to my 

fading

façade

I watch 

as 

age

spots

bloom

and

creases

carve

their way across my 

face

still

I will 

not submit

swilling

sirtuin 

stimulating

substances

and willing

the world

to come for me

I am lurking in the shadows

waiting for you

mouth

watering

#100daysforLionel