Gratitude Echos

The first night

alone

not knowing

how I will

but I will

survive

the core deep

ache

I will miss

how having one hand

on his body

his skin

would calm my soul

and lull me to sleep

I am grateful for my kind and supportive friends

whose calls and kindnesses hold me in safe space

I am grateful for notes on Paris from many years ago

falling from my  journal - whispering reminders of times where I was content

on my own

I am grateful for views from my windows

for the beauty I can sometimes see

The first morning

mourning the start of another

day alone

not sharing a shower

a tea and toast at the table

no kisses or well wishes or

I loves you

to send me off to whatever lies

ahead

I am grateful for moments when I realize

that somethings will not change

and it is ok

I am grateful for yoga -  

the breath, the focus

and the tears

Another night

and it is hard again

the string 

holding hope

and me together

is pulled thin

and near snapping

breath stealing 

panic

blankets me

in the darkness

I am grateful for persistent friends

that reach out with  open  arms

I am grateful  for the sun shining

on the buildings outside my windows

and for that glow of hope

Finding the pieces

of me

strewn about

neglected under a bed

I made and spent too long

in denial

Is it only when my world

so violently throws me off

that I can find

balance?

I am grateful for this practice

even when I do not want to do it and feel 

nothing

I am grateful for  opportunities, doors (windows) 

opening even when 

it is so dark

I cannot yet see them

Years later

looking back

through the yellowed pages

between the lines

faded ink and tear stained sheets

I see

the path 

forward

was through

and I am grateful

OctPoWriMo 2018 Day 5

Inspired by the prompt to write a poem to express being denied or being in denial.